Even when the external behavior looks the same, there can be many different reasons behind stonewalling. Knowing the causes can help you to respond effectively.

Try these techniques to figure out the cause:

    1. Look back. Your partner may be trying to protect themselves because they feel overwhelmed. This can be due to patterns they developed in childhood if they were raised in a family where feelings were seldom discussed.

    2. Recognize manipulation. On the other hand, your partner may be trying to punish or control you. Ask yourself if there are other signs of abuse in your relationship.

    3. Cooldown. Distinguish between taking a brief break to calm down during an argument and prolonged stonewalling. A short and strategic time-out can be beneficial.

Responding to Stonewalling

While it’s natural to feel resentful and try to draw your partner out, you could be making the situation worse.

These alternatives are more likely to bring about the breakthrough you want:

    1. Express compassion. While being frozen out is uncomfortable for you, remember that your partner is suffering too. Be sensitive to their insecurities and reassure them of your love.

    2. Engage with each other. If there is a growing distance between you, it may help to start reconnecting gradually. Put aside deeper issues temporarily and listen to a concert or go for a bike ride together.

    3. Make yourself accessible. Let your partner know that you’re available to talk when they’re ready. Be supportive rather than aggressive.

    4. Stop nagging. Resist the urge to nag or yell to try to make your partner talk. Pushing them too hard is likely to backfire.

    5. Work on communication skills. To overcome your differences, you both may need to strengthen your communication skills. Practice listening, giving feedback and monitoring your body language.

    6. Offer forgiveness. In order to heal, you’ll need to pardon each other for your past grievances. Remember that forgiveness helps you as much as the other person.

    7. Take care of yourself. A strained relationship can take a heavy toll on your mental and physical health. Ensure that you eat a balanced diet, exercise regularly, and get adequate sleep.

    8. Manage stress. If possible, find ways to reduce sources of chronic tension. If finances are tight, look for a second job or cut back on expenses. If you have frequent arguments about parenting, clarify your priorities and set ground rules.

    9. Go for counseling. Couples counseling is ideal, but you and your partner may also want to speak with a therapist individually. You can find support and explore your options on your own or together. In the early stages, you may also be more comfortable speaking with a professional rather than each other.

    10. Move on. If you find that your relationship is unlikely to meet your needs, you may need to let go. That’s especially true if other signs of abuse are present. Focus on the valuable lessons you’ve learned and build a brighter future.

Stonewalling can make you feel isolated and helpless, but there is a way out. If you and your partner are willing to change the way you relate to each other, you may be able to reconnect and build a healthier relationship.

The post What Will You Do When Your Partner Stonewalls You? appeared first on Tampa Bay Christian Counseling Center.

There are two basic types of ego issues:

1. The arrogant ego
2. The overly sensitive and easily wounded ego

Neither is attractive, and both are damaging. Both can lead to spending a lot of time alone, though not for the same reason.

Few people enjoy spending time with arrogant people. And, if you’re overly sensitive, you’ll tend to avoid others because nearly everyone upsets you. It’s also possible that you lash out at others too easily, and they avoid you.

Many people aren’t aware that they have an ego issue. You might have to ask a friend for a little insight.

Keep in mind that there’s a difference between arrogance and confidence. Arrogance is having an exaggerated opinion of yourself. Confidence is having a healthy level of belief in your abilities.

If you feel that you may be experiencing negativity because of your ego, luckily, there are things you can do to take your ego down a notch, whether your ego is arrogant or sensitive.

Try these tips for taming an arrogant ego:

1. Ask yourself why. Why do you feel that you’re better than everyone else? Why do you feel the need to let everyone know how awesome you are? There are real causes for these thoughts and actions.

● Is it something from your childhood?

● Are you actually one of the best in the world at something? Even if you are, there are likely other things that you might want to improve.

2. Remember your failures. Remind yourself of the times things didn’t go your way. None of us are successful all of the time. It might be useful to remember that.

● The same goes for your weaknesses. Identify them and recognize them.

3. Consider how you appear to others and the negative impact it has on you. Arrogance isn’t something you can broadcast for free. Others hold it against you, and it does have an impact on your life. It can be costing you, both personally and professionally.

4. Give compliments to others. Remind yourself of how awesome other people can be. Look for reasons to compliment others and give them those compliments.

5. Apologize more often. Recognize when you’re wrong or inappropriate and apologize.

Tips for taming a sensitive ego:

1. Realize that it’s not always about you. Maybe someone failed to say, “Good morning,” because they had an argument with their spouse. Maybe it’s not because they dislike you.

● People do and say lots of things that actually have nothing to do with you but something to do with what’s happening in their personal life, instead.

2. Avoid being critical of yourself. Allow yourself to make mistakes and fall short of perfection. Laugh at yourself. Life is short, so don’t take it too seriously.

3. Value your own opinion more and the opinions of others less. The opinions that matter are your own. If you’re happy with your life and your choices, that’s what’s important to you.

4. Notice what offends you and ask yourself why. When you feel offended or slighted, stop and ask yourself why. What specifically bothers you about what the other person said or did? What can you do to get past this?

5. Work on being your best self. Each day do one thing towards self-improvement. Strengthen one skill or build on one characteristic.

● Over time, you’ll be amazed with your greater power!

● As you actively build these talents, you’ll feel happier and more confident in general.

It can be a challenge to overcome your ego and interact with others in a more pleasant manner. Ego issues often develop early in life and may require professional help. See how much headway you can make on your own but be willing to reach out for additional help if needed. You can tame your ego!

The post 10 Tips for Taming Your Ego appeared first on Tampa Bay Christian Counseling Center.

Threatening Behavior

An abusive person shows his tendency for violence in many ways. He may punch walls, kick the dog, break down doors, or show other violent behavior. Some forms of violence, however, are less obvious. Emotional violence can be just as dangerous and destructive.

How to Tell if You’re Being Emotionally Abused

Emotional abuse often manifests itself in these ways:

1. Isolation. Sometimes, a person in a relationship can become possessive. A possessive person tells you he cares for your safety, and that his possessive behavior proves that he loves you. Taken to the extreme, possessiveness becomes isolation. The goal of isolation is to control you by breaking down your emotional will to resist.

* The desire to isolate could be caused by your partner’s insecurity. He may project that insecurity onto you by trying to control everything you do, who you meet, and where you go. He may try to make you feel guilty for enjoying yourself or making friends.  

2. Verbal abuse. Regular verbal attacks on your character and value destroys your self-esteem. Continuous verbal assaults may cause you to put aside your most important ideals and beliefs.

* Verbal abuse is characterized by critical or humiliating remarks about you as a person. If your partner continuously puts you down and makes you feel unworthy of self-respect, this is a warning sign that something is definitely wrong. Verbal abuse may escalate into sexual or physical abuse if you avoid taking action to protect yourself.

3. Financial abuse. Unless you’re financially independent, you can leave your finances vulnerable to a partner with abusive tendencies. He may deny you access to funds, refuse to allow you to work outside the home or spend money irresponsibly and blame the financial struggles on you.

Next Steps

If you’re the victim of continuous emotional abuse within your relationship, the most important steps are to recognize the abuse and know that it is wrong. This can be a challenge for anyone who has been emotionally bullied over a period of time.

You are worthy of respect, and you can live a life that is free from the emotional abuse of your partner. Think honestly about your relationship and ask yourself these questions:

* Does your partner show, by his words and actions, that he loves you and values you?
* Does he seek your opinion as someone who has much to contribute?
* Does he raise his voice and criticize you often, while hardly ever providing words of affirmation that lift you up?

If you’re in an emotionally abusive relationship, take steps to change your circumstances. Seek friends who build you up and affirm that you’re valuable, and spend time with those friends. Consider couple’s counseling so you can change the way you relate to each other.

Protect Yourself

If you decide to leave an emotionally abusive relationship, it’s important to take precautions to protect yourself. If you choose to walk away, remember that the abuse may continue.

Take these necessary steps to protect yourself:

1. Contact law enforcement officials and inform them about your situation. Request a restraining order or other protection against attacks from your partner. 

2. Set up a security system in your new home.

3. Advise your neighbors of your current situation, and enlist their help in watching out for signs of trouble.

Most of all, remember that you are valuable. Anyone who makes you feel otherwise can only do so if you let him. Enlist the help of emotionally strong, positive friends. Take action. Protect yourself. Replace emotional abuse with strength and confidence in your self-worth. You will emerge stronger and happier when you begin to take these steps today.

The post How to Recognize Emotional Abuse in Your Relationship appeared first on Tampa Bay Christian Counseling Center.

Ask yourself if your relationship is enhancing your life or making it more challenging. You deserve the very best!

Toxic relationships can be challenging to leave. It’s not comforting to face the world alone, even temporarily. However, a little alone time can have its advantages, too.

There are several signs that you may be in a toxic relationship:

1. A consistent lack of trust. It doesn’t matter whether you don’t trust the other person, or they don’t trust you. Relationships are incredibly draining when there is a pervasive lack of trust. There’s never any peace.

2. You’re forced to compromise your values on a regular basis. When you’re put in the position to live outside of the tenets you consider to be most important, your self-respect suffers. A healthy relationship makes it easier to be at your best.

3. Your partner isn’t supportive of your success. They say you find out who your real friends are during times of distress, but the same can be said of periods of success. It’s not uncommon for friends and family to be unsupportive when you’re doing well. The last thing you want is a partner that displays this type of behavior.

4. Dismissiveness. Is either of you dismissive of the other? Your interests and projects should be respected. This works both ways. If you’re dismissive of your partner, your relationship could be better.

5. Your partner is unreliable. If you can’t count on your partner, your life is more stressful than it needs to be, and your relationship is harming you.

6. Going somewhere else after work is more relaxing than going home. What’s worse than spending a stressful day at work and deciding you’d rather go sit in a coffee shop alone than go home to your partner? It’s nice to have a home that is an oasis from your everyday stressors.

7. A lack of affection. There’s a lack of closeness when affection wanes. Ask yourself why you no longer want to touch each other.

8. You resist confiding in your partner. When you have something sensitive to discuss, it would be nice to be able to rely on your partner. If you find yourself hesitant to share, it could be a sign that your relationship isn’t healthy. Ideally, your partner is also your best friend.

9. The relationship is harmful to any children involved. Relationships should enhance the lives of the children. Frightened or discouraged children are a warning sign.

10. You feel unsafe with your partner. No relationship is worth risking your safety. Make your health and well-being a priority in your life.

11. You can think of other people with whom you’d rather be in a relationship. Do you find yourself wishing you could be in a relationship with a friend or coworker instead of with your current partner? Something is amiss if you’re imagining yourself with someone else.

Hopefully, you’ve reached the conclusion that your relationship is healthy, supportive and a source of inspiration.

If you believe your relationship is toxic, take the time to investigate further. Be willing to get help from a relationship professional, too. Toxic relationships aren’t worth your time or peace of mind. Ensure that you’re taking the best possible care of yourself.

The post Are You in a Toxic Relationship? Beware of These Signs appeared first on Tampa Bay Christian Counseling Center.

Today, you can enjoy the convenience of digital communications and rediscover the beauty of more traditional courtship methods.

Consider these ideas for connecting with your partner online and off.

Sharing Romantic Gestures Online

Put technology to work to deepen your relationship. Wi-fi makes it fast and easy to stay in touch even when your busy schedules keep you apart.

Use technology for these techniques:

1. Send a card. Email cards are free, so you don’t need to wait for birthdays and holidays. Plus, you can customize digital cards with your own images and text so the message will be more meaningful.

2. Listen to music. Put together a playlist of songs you both love and download it to your phones. You can imagine dancing together whenever you hear those tunes.

3. Play games. Studies show that video games can make you happier, healthier, and sharpen your cognitive skills. Enjoy the benefits together with a few rounds of Super Mario or HQ Trivia.

4. Research activities. Browse for ideas about your next vacation, workout programs, or home improvement projects. Focusing on your future will draw you closer together.

5. Agree on boundaries. Keep in mind that happy couples actually post about their relationship less often than average. Ask your partner for approval before you post photos and personal information, and avoid oversharing. Negotiate a schedule that keeps you both updated without feeling overwhelmed.  

Sharing Romantic Gestures Offline

Of course, you want to be in the same room for certain conversations. Just like you’d probably propose marriage only when you’re face to face, some interactions benefit from a more personal touch.

Consider these ideas:

1. Write a letter. Handwritten messages make a deeper impression than emails. Pick up a pen and put your feelings down on paper. Hand deliver it to your partner or put it someplace where they’re sure to find it.

2. Buy flowers. Call your local florist to arrange a bouquet for your partner. Choose their favorite flowers or ask for recommendations based on their personality or the season.

3. Dress up. Do you live in sweatpants when you’re not at the office? Surprise your partner by putting on a jacket or dress.

4. Plan a date. Go a step beyond just hanging out. Make dinner reservations at a cozy restaurant or pick up theater tickets for the next evening you both have free. Remember to book a babysitter too if you have children.

5. Cook dinner. For an evening at home, volunteer to do the cooking or share the work. Try a new recipe or prepare something that brings back happy memories of past vacations or memorable dates.

6. Read poetry together. If writing your own poetry sounds a little too intimidating, start out by reading selections from other great writers. Ask your friends or a librarian for suggestions. You may be inspired to  create your own sonnets soon.

7. Take a walk. Motivate each other to get more exercise. Go for a walk each evening after dinner or sign up for couples or family membership at a nearby gym.

8. Help with the housework. Pitching in with household responsibilities is a practical way to express your affection and appreciation. Volunteer for the chores you excel at or take turns cleaning the bathroom.

You can romance your partner even if you’re more likely to exchange texts and tweets rather than love letters and lockets. Caring gestures are a fun and effective way to strengthen your relationship.

The post 13 Ways to Romance Your Partner in a Digital Age appeared first on Tampa Bay Christian Counseling Center.

Being mentally ready helps them to do the requisite things, such as working out consistently to fine-tune their skills, maintaining a diet that supports their physical health, and adhering to team rules.

These are all similar to the care that should be put in to fit relationships.

Fit relationships also begin with being emotionally mature enough to give your best self. This mental preparedness means honesty and authenticity with yourself and others. These qualities allow you to be vulnerable and conscious of your emotions. They fuel a desire to love unconditionally in spite of past relationship failures.

In your relationship, your emotional fitness will help you work through the inevitable conflicts that occur from personal differences. While it may take two to Tango, it begins with the one.

This is because we have control over only our own actions.

Just as you can take steps to be more physically fit, you can also take steps to become fitter in your relationship.

Developing these traits will strengthen your fitness in your relationship:

    1. Respect. Every human being craves and deserves respect, including you. So, take it for yourself and give it freely.

    2. Loyalty. Be a true team player and “have the back” of your partner and others with whom you interrelate. Show your partner that your support is unwavering.

    3. Be a friend first. Many people credit their life-long relationships to the fact that their partner becomes their best friend. A best friend supports you with unconditional love. Doesn’t your partner deserve this too?

    4. Understanding. None of us are perfect; we come with our own unique flaws. Your partner’s uniqueness is one reason you fell in love with them. Be patient and understanding. Put yourself in their shoes. It will help you to understand their perspective.

    5. Tolerance. This is often difficult, but therein lies the beauty of who we are. Cultures, race, ethnicity, and socialization shape us and color us differently, like a rainbow. It is wise to hold off on judgments and criticisms.

    6. Kindness. A little kindness goes a long way into sweetening relationships and reminding people why they appreciate you.

    7. Trust. The key is to trust first and give your partner room for errors.

    8. Independence. Avoid depending on your partner to provide your whole life. It’s important to spend some time alone and with others. Develop some separate hobbies and build friendships. You and your partner will both benefit.

Being fit in your relationship takes courage to demonstrate your better self. It means pushing past the hurt, miscommunication, and self-love that are often misguided and damage the relationship.

A fit relationship exercises rules that push you to make wise choices and be purposeful in building a better you and a relationship that lasts.

The post How Fit Are You in Your Relationship? appeared first on Tampa Bay Christian Counseling Center.

He refers to the ‘little things that couples do for each other as deposits in the emotional bank account. This savings account acts as a buffer to protect your relationship during difficult times.

Gottman and others believe that successful couples who stay together have between 5-20 more positive interactions than negative.

Complete the following activity:

1. Sit down with your partner/spouse and discuss the little things in your relationship that mean a lot to you. Be specific. Tell him/her about the things you appreciate, what you enjoy, your favorite ways to spend time together and so on.

o   Use this information to make daily deposits to the emotional bank account.

o   Consider ways you can build these ideas into date night.

o   Surprise her/him occasionally by initiating one of the favorites you discussed.

o   When your partner/spouse does these little things, acknowledge it – say thank you for…

2. If you want/need something specific, tell your partner/spouse – mind-reading is not a skill that most of us practice. For example, “I would really appreciate a shoulder rub.”

3. Look for things you can do for each other – without keeping score.

Interested in learning more about strengthening your relationship? Contact me: lori@nationalmarriageseminars.com

The post The Emotional Bank Account for Couples Action Plan appeared first on Tampa Bay Christian Counseling Center.

Storytelling is a great way to do this, but you may also want to write your responses in a journal and then discuss things from both perspectives.

Sit down together as a couple and answer one or two of these each evening for a week.

Discuss the following:

·      What values were important in your family growing up?

·      What do you do to grow closer together?

·      How have you managed to balance both of your priorities and your relationship?

·      What role do friends play in your relationship – good or bad?

·      What are some things that negatively affect your life as a couple and family?

·      What do you do together as a couple that strengthens your relationship?

·      How do you spend time together doing community activities?

·      What do you do to keep a balance between work, family and other priorities?

·      How is your balance now as compared to earlier times?

Daily Practice

Establish a routine for fostering your friendship and growth as a couple. Schedule regular couple time and family time, such as eating dinner together or a family game night.

Make it a habit to hug and kiss frequently! Say “I love you” at least once daily.

Interested in learning more about strengthening your relationship? Contact me: lori@nationalmarriageseminars.com

The post Life Balance Action Plan appeared first on Tampa Bay Christian Counseling Center.

The good news is, however, that there are things you can do to help speed up your recovery so you can move on with your life and even start looking forward to a brighter future.

So how can you heal your heart, body, and spirit after a betrayal?

These strategies will help:

1. Recognize the betrayal. You might try to block out the betrayal so you don’t have to think about it. However, it’s healthier to accept the betrayal and deal with it.

* Trying to ignore a betrayal traps everything inside you and can stop you from healing.

* It’s important to address the issues and learn to manage them. There is a light at the end of the tunnel. You’ll learn to move past the betrayal, especially if you take action to help heal yourself.

2. Forgive yourself and others. Forgiveness is crucial to healing. Forgiving someone is really all about you – not the person who betrayed you. You’re the one who benefits the most. The other person doesn’t even need to know.

* Forgive yourself, your past mistakes, and the person who betrayed you.

3. Avoid using betrayal as revenge. Are you thinking about betraying the person who hurt you? You may be tempted to seek revenge after you’re hurt, but you risk hurting yourself even more.

* This type of thought process is dangerous and can prevent you from healing. Revenge isn’t the answer. It simply adds more negativity to your life.

* Revenge can trap you in an unhealthy cycle with the person who hurt you in the first place. First they hurt you, then you hurt them, then they hurt you back, then you hurt them again. Where does it end?

4. Connect with others. You may benefit from connecting with others who have been hurt. Consider support groups or group therapy.

* By talking about the past, you can learn to heal the wounds of betrayal. You can see how others have overcome their pain and use their advice.

5. Remove negative people. You may be better off by cutting off all contact with the betrayer and other negative people in your life. Sometimes, it helps to remove these toxic people in order to regain your strength and heal.

* Negative people can affect your healing process. They can serve as constant reminders of the pain and betrayal. You’ll feel lighter and healthier without them.

* If it’s not feasible to remove them from your life, limit your contact with them as much as possible.

6. Learn to control your feelings. It’s normal to cry and feel anger after a betrayal. However, if you dwell on these feelings, they can dominate your life. It’s important to express your pain and then learn to move on.

* A physical action that helps you release these emotions is to write them all on paper, and then tear up or burn the paper to destroy it. You can also imagine that they blow away in the wind.

* If you can control your emotions, then you can more easily see the beauty of the world around you.

7. Learn to trust again. After a betrayal, you may have a difficult time trusting another person again. You may feel that you can’t trust anyone because they’re capable of hurting you.

* Over time, it’s important to learn to trust again and reach out to others.

* You don’t have to go back to the person who betrayed you. However, trusting new people can help you heal.

* Trusting again can show you that not everyone wants to hurt you. It can teach you to share your emotions again.

* Trust can also help you build new and exciting relationships.

Past betrayals don’t have to control your mind and emotions. Taking action to help heal yourself speeds up your recovery and helps you move on. Soon enough, instead of looking backward, you’ll find yourself looking forward to the good things to come.

The post Top Secrets to Healing After Betrayal appeared first on Tampa Bay Christian Counseling Center.

Long-term relationships are challenging even if you choose the perfect partner. Make it easier on yourself and choose wisely.

Is your relationship moving in a positive direction?

Look for these signs that this partner might be the one for you:

1. You share the same opinion regarding having children. There are many couples where one partner wants to have several children and the other doesn’t want to have any. This is a challenging issue to resolve. Save yourself and your potential spouse a lot of grief and find a partner that has the same interest in children as you do!

2. You can both be happy living in a similar environment. If one of you dreams of living in the country and can’t stand city life, it will be hard if the other only likes living in the city.

3. You’re on the same page sexually. There can be great differences in preferences regarding frequency and other sexual matters. If your preferences vary dramatically, there could be a challenge down the road.

4. You have at least a few interests that you can enjoy together. It might be camping, going to the opera, or watching the Cubs at the local sports bar. It’s important to share a few interests. Sharing pleasant experiences is important for any relationship.

5. Your partner is the one you’re most likely to go to first with good news and bad news. You know that you feel comfortable with your partner when they are the first person you reach out to. Who is the first person you call when something great or something awful happens?

6. You trust each other. Being with someone you don’t trust is stressful on you, and frustrating for your partner. A lack of trust is a good sign that you may be with the wrong person for you. Relationships need trust to thrive.

7. Your needs for affection are similar. Some people like a lot of affection. Others don’t care for it much. It can be annoying or frustrating when your partner doesn’t share your attitude on the matter.

8. You make each other a priority. That doesn’t mean either of you is the most important priority 100% of the time. However, on a general basis, you should both consistently be a high priority to the other.

9. You are good at solving disagreements. Disagreements are part of every relationship. They can ultimately strengthen your relationship or tear it apart. Strong, compatible couples are good at finding solutions that work for both parties and make the relationship stronger.

10. You help each other live their life’s purpose. What do you hope to accomplish in your life? Does your partner support that or inhibit you? If your partner is an obstacle, you’ll become resentful.

Marrying the wrong person can easily be the most challenging situation you’ll ever face. It’s important for you to take the time to evaluate your relationship.

There’s no reason to jump into a commitment that can potentially ruin your life for many years to come. Ensure that you’re committing to the right person for you. A good relationship can be the best thing that ever happens to you.

The post Top 10 Signs You’re Marrying the Right Person appeared first on Tampa Bay Christian Counseling Center.